Every four years, the Presidential election kicks off our diverse American Holiday Season. According to Elway Research’s “WA Voters Views on the Health of the Political System,” one in four Washingtonians have stopped talking to friends or relatives because of politics (emphasis added).
Ready to talk turkey or vegan nut loaf?
On November 5th, we will elect a new Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America, and if polling is correct, about 50% of Americans will be celebrating, while 50% will be experiencing a wide variety of emotions. Shock, fear, disbelief, and even anger come to mind. Soon after we will be sharing space with those we love and who may have voted for the opposite candidate. There is still time to prepare to pass the pecan pie. As a mediator, I have been trained in communication techniques that reduce conflicts. I hope these tips are helpful to you.
- Set your intentions before you gather with family and friends. What do you want out of it? To reconnect and share new experiences? How can you respond if an unwanted political conversation arises? Do you have to participate? If yes, you can prepare a statement instead of reacting to what’s being said. Having a prepared response is a great way not to get sucked into a conversation that adds tension to your time together. Even an honest, “They didn’t get my vote, but I wish them the best for all our futures,” can work. Be sure it’s an authentic, respectful statement, whatever you choose to offer.
- Bring topics with you that focus on happier or lighter times. Being with family and friends is a time to celebrate past experiences that brought you closer. Think of a few family memories that welcome all to participate in the retelling of a shared event. Children may be hearing these stories for the first time and get to feel included in the re-telling of a family story. Am I the only one with a brother-in-law who dressed like Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation in 1999?
- Limit teasing. Teasing can be a common way to connect within families and teasing can go too far. Be careful not to rub in a loss disguised as teasing.
- Have a backup plan, or an escape route, if the environment is consumed with a political conversation you are not comfortable participating in. Are there children to play with or errands that need your attention? Simple distractions and planned breaks with other friends during your time together can keep the entire holiday from being focused on politics.
- If ‘How have you been?” seems like a loaded question, try asking, “What are you looking forward to? And be prepared to share what you are looking forward to in the coming months.
Some enjoy discussing politics. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you find yourself in a conversation and want the conversation to go well.
- Really listen: We often start formulating our responses to strong opinions before listening fully. If we pause and actively listen, it can increase understanding and goodwill between people. Wait until the other person is finished before you plan what to say next.
- Active listening. A conversation technique that allows you to acknowledge what is important to the other person, without having to agree. It sounds something like, “I hear you have concerns over social security continuing.” The statement simply speaks to what is important to the other without a need to add your own opinion or convince them of another way to see the situation. People love to feel heard and understood. Your respectful listening will build trust in your relationship.
- Challenge your assumptions: Consider what you may not fully understand. Ask yourself: What do I not know? What might be important to the other person?
- Stay curious: Everyone has underlying interests. Seek to understand those interests. Try: “That’s an interesting viewpoint. Can you say more about that?”
- Speak for yourself (and only yourself): Share only your personal experience without any blame or condemnation for the other person’s position.
- Separate the person from the problem: You’re discussing ideas, not the person with the ideas. When name-calling, generalizations, or assuming bad intentions start, dialogue shuts down.
- Take a break: It is okay to put the conversation on pause and let the other person know you need to take a break or step away.
LaDessa Croucher is the Executive Director of Resolution Washington, dedicated to bringing conflict resolution services to and promoting dialogue in communities across the state. Croucher’s 21 years of service in conflict resolution includes work as an Ombudsman, Certified Professional Mediator, Conflict Coach, and as Senior Director of Volunteers of America Western Washington – Dispute Resolution Center. Croucher was drawn to this work due to her natural compassion and the high level of conflict she has experienced as a member of the LGBTQ community.